alone with only my thoughts as company

i can't sleep. for some reason this always seems to happen on nights when i have to get up at 6:30 for class the next morning.

if i had to describe my last couple of weeks in one word, it would be wrestling. if only i had a dollar for every time i've gone back and forth on the decisions i'm trying to make, my mom wouldn't be on my case about needing to get a job so i could make some money. why does everything have to be all about money anyways? whether they mean to or not, my parents put a lot of pressure on me to make decisions that will lead to being financially secure... in other words, what is safe.

what if i don't want safe? what if safe just sounds boring to me? what if i want more than a safe, average american life? when Jesus says to follow him, it never says anything about any part of that being safe. i don't like the idea of desk jobs, 'normal' jobs, 8-5 jobs. there's nothing wrong with any of that, and it's what he calls a lot of people to. i just really don't want that to be my whole life. i know that ministry will happen anywhere you let yourself be a part of it, including in an office or whatever else, but i just really have the desire to be a part of something more eternal than that. i don't want to reach the end of my life, look back on my career, and say "how much of this mattered for something that is real?"

i just keep on wrestling. i don't know what else to do when he's not giving me anything to point me one way or the other.

the blog comes alive

dear bern,

today your wildest dreams come true. well, maybe not, but here's the blog as you requested. you're welcome. i expect occasional comments if you really want to stalk me.

love, k-hud


in other news, i got home from church at ecf (sidenote- a-mazing, who knew such places existed in a town like mcgregor) and had my mom tell me that for lunch, they had spam salad sandwiches. imagine chicken salad, except with spam. now i'm one of those who actually likes spam, but spam salad is a little much... gross...

and that is all.